If walls could really talk, what would they say?

Good question, Jae - I'm glad you asked. I have often wondered the same thing while participating in some particularly embarrassing, humiliating or regretful endeavor in the great in-of-doors. While mostly thankful that walls do not have the ability to eavesdrop, spy or speak, I am not certain what sort of conversation might be had with a wall, in the off chance that one should occur.

First of all, we need to consider what language a wall would speak. Would it be fluent in the language of its inhabitants, for instance, or would the wall speak the tongue of the people who manufactured its materials?

For the sake of argument, let's say that the walls spoke English, so that we could indeed understand what it was saying. How do we know that the walls would have even the slightest interest in the activities of their human inhabitants. While we assume that talking walls would immediately begin embarrassing us by thrilling our visitors with vivid accounts of us masturbating with a belt sander while high on cough syrup, it could possibly be that walls would have no more interest in our sexual activities than we have when our dogs sniff one another's ass.

Let us consider for a moment the life of a wall. It stands tall and firm, supporting that which we lean against it, it endures nails, tacks, tape, paints of various color and texture, the force of items thrown in anger and play and handprints. So many handprints. I am not certain that walls would think about much more than the coming of the night and the blessed silence.

In my opinion, if walls could talk, they would mostly say "Ouch".

Good day, Sir.